But I figured I would share this anyway, if only to add a datapoint. I don’t do hookups, and am only interested in very LTRs and also just in making friends. If I am out (e.g. in a coffee shop), and I see someone who looks interesting to talk to, I just… walk up and talk to them. If I want to start a conversation with someone and don’t know where to start, I compliment something they’re wearing, or ask what they’re reading, etc. The important part is that I smile a whole lot. I also make a lot of eye contact. My body language is open, calm, and non-flirty. I think because I’m completely open with people, and because I ignore social rules by approaching and talking to them at all, people are more likely to be open when talking to me. I listen to a lot of people’s life stories; I always feel really honored when people who just met me feel like they can share these things with me.
Anyway, I’ve met guys in this way, and I think I don’t come across as slutty or aggressive because I’m cheerful and straightforward. If at the end of the conversation, I really like the guy, then I just say “We should hang out sometime!” and we trade email addresses/phone numbers. This always seemed really simple to me and so now I’m wondering if I’m doing it wrong!
Thanks again, Susan, for writing this awesome blog! =)
20Ceer October 6, 2011 at 1:55 am
One of the biggest challenges in male pickup is to gauge interest of women. This is so difficult, the usual advice is something along the lines of “If she’s not walking away, using super closed body language, or smacking at you, consider that permission to continue.” Part of this, I’m sure is that women often aren’t sure what they want, but they also tend not to have much practice in making their interest clear.
You don’t mention checking to see if the betas are actually physically interested, or what you did to assure them that you were in fact not promiscuous.
My first reaction to the question is that a woman should wait several dates before asking a man if he finds her attractive. This has a high risk of looking like validation-seeking behavior if it’s done soon, or if the man doesn’t know her well. It should work properly once a relationship has been established, and the woman has made clear that she is capable of deep introspective thought.
As far as a preliminary technique, men, especially betas are primarily visual in their sexuality. You may see his eyes wandering to various parts of your body, this is a tipoff.
Women for whatever reason have developed the anti-slut defense. This helps them appear (to them) that they are not promiscuous, when in fact, they may or may not be. Men tend to see through this. A more promiscuous vibe will include slinky, sexy clothes, short skirts, tattoos, heavy makeup, touching too early, smiling (like a giggly girl) too much. Princess vibe is given off by: wearing top-rack clothes, heavy makeup, talking about family’s money, bragging, asking for/demanding things, talking about your important/high profile/lucrative job.